I bought a puppy at a school fundraising auction Sunday.
Upon sharing the news with my mother, she asked in an all-too-familiar tone, “What on earth were you thinking?!?”
She then happily suggested I name the puppy after her childhood dog, Boudreaux Brown, or Bou for short (pronounced “Boo” for those not raised in south Louisiana).
But her question is one I hear often from loved ones, friends, and my internal Banter monologue: What were you thinking?!?
For example, I recently played a 200-yard par-3 over water, stiff breeze into me, and I chose to hit a 5-iron.
Kerplunk, straight into the drink. What was I thinking?
I ordered pizza through the Domino’s app the other day. It’s quite a nifty app, with that pizza tracker and whatnot.
As I neared checkout, the app asked the following question, one that still haunts me: “Extra cheese on your pizza today?”
After careful deliberation, I clicked “No thanks.” What on earth was I thinking?!?
I was in Texas a few weeks ago for a very exciting lawyers’ conference. One night there was a George Strait karaoke contest, and my rendition of “She’ll Leave You with a Smile” is widely acclaimed, by me.
Alas, I chickened out, depriving the lawyers of my King of Country Music imitation. What was I thinking?
My own struggles answering this question aside, I employ several Banter stand-ins across the South to help me gauge the temperature of SEC fans, to help me know what they’re thinking.
These stand-ins are my SEC spies, if you will, who constantly feed me inside SEC scoop.
I’m pleased to present what SEC fans are thinking with two – just two! – games remaining in the regular season:
SEC Fans in General, All of College Football, Indeed All of Humankind: Please, not again!
Georgia Fans: We got a shot at ‘Bama if Tua doesn’t . . . ah, whatever, we got no shot.
Florida Fans: Lose to Kentucky for the first time since 1986, beat LSU, lose to Mizzou, barely beat South Carolina. This season’s bumpier than an alligator’s tail.
South Carolina Fans: Sure, we’re a serial 7-5 or 8-4 team, but it’s no sweat because we have a cool state flag and eat good food and have Charleston and the beach and Garden & Gun.
Tennessee Fans: We might be bowl eligible, meaning Memphis on New Year’s Eve in the Liberty Bowl against a pathetic Big 12 team!
Missouri Fans: Resisting the strong sarcasm urge, and out of respect for my brother-in-law and his crew, I note the Tigers can finish a respectable 8-4 if they win out. Both remaining contests are on CBS’ SEC broadcast package, providing nice exposure for the Mizzou program.
Kentucky Fans: Fun while it lasted. What time’s tipoff in Rupp Arena?
Alabama Fans: We’ve seen this movie before and it never gets old.
LSU Fans: Not sure what our coach is saying or whether he can even coach football, but we’ll take 8-2.
Auburn Fans: Fire Gus Malzahn! [He has a $32 million buyout, pure negligence on the part of Auburn’s administration.]
Miss. St. Fans: Selling my tickets for Saturday’s 11 am game against Arkansas for $75 each. [Crickets.] Okay, $50. [Chirp chirp.] $25? Just take them.
Texas Agricultural & Mechanical Fans: If we win 8 games, Jimbo Fisher’s $7.5 million annual salary equates to just under $1 million per win. Bargain by Texas standards!
There you have SEC fans’ true thoughts as of mid-November. If you’re not thinking along these lines about your SEC team, let me know and I’ll consider a correction in exchange for a Bone’s steak dinner.
Also, if I didn’t mention your SEC school, my SEC Banter spies evacuated the town because the team is terrible.
Speaking of terrible, having a puppy qualifies. She just soiled the rug and I owe the vet $575 for a three-minute check-up. What was I thinking?!?
Finally, if you’re wondering about the puppy’s name, we named her after my political idol: Hillary.*
* If you think I really named my dog Hillary, please unsubscribe from SEC Banter. What were you thinking?!?