ThinkingCap

I bought a puppy at a school fundraising auction Sunday.

Upon sharing the news with my mother, she asked in an all-too-familiar tone, “What on earth were you thinking?!?”

She then happily suggested I name the puppy after her childhood dog, Boudreaux Brown, or Bou for short (pronounced “Boo” for those not raised in south Louisiana).

But her question is one I hear often from loved ones, friends, and my internal Banter monologue:  What were you thinking?!?

For example, I recently played a 200-yard par-3 over water, stiff breeze into me, and I chose to hit a 5-iron.

Kerplunk, straight into the drink.  What was I thinking?

I ordered pizza through the Domino’s app the other day.  It’s quite a nifty app, with that pizza tracker and whatnot.

As I neared checkout, the app asked the following question, one that still haunts me: “Extra cheese on your pizza today?”

After careful deliberation, I clicked “No thanks.”  What on earth was I thinking?!?

I was in Texas a few weeks ago for a very exciting lawyers’ conference.  One night there was a George Strait karaoke contest, and my rendition of “She’ll Leave You with a Smile” is widely acclaimed, by me.

Alas, I chickened out, depriving the lawyers of my King of Country Music imitation.  What was I thinking?

My own struggles answering this question aside, I employ several Banter stand-ins across the South to help me gauge the temperature of SEC fans, to help me know what they’re thinking.

These stand-ins are my SEC spies, if you will, who constantly feed me inside SEC scoop.

I’m pleased to present what SEC fans are thinking with two – just two! – games remaining in the regular season:

SEC Fans in General, All of College Football, Indeed All of Humankind:  Please, not again!

Georgia Fans:  We got a shot at ‘Bama if Tua doesn’t . . . ah, whatever, we got no shot.

Florida Fans:  Lose to Kentucky for the first time since 1986, beat LSU, lose to Mizzou, barely beat South Carolina.  This season’s bumpier than an alligator’s tail.

South Carolina Fans:  Sure, we’re a serial 7-5 or 8-4 team, but it’s no sweat because we have a cool state flag and eat good food and have Charleston and the beach and Garden & Gun.

Tennessee Fans:  We might be bowl eligible, meaning Memphis on New Year’s Eve in the Liberty Bowl against a pathetic Big 12 team!

Missouri Fans:  Resisting the strong sarcasm urge, and out of respect for my brother-in-law and his crew, I note the Tigers can finish a respectable 8-4 if they win out.  Both remaining contests are on CBS’ SEC broadcast package, providing nice exposure for the Mizzou program.

Kentucky Fans:  Fun while it lasted.  What time’s tipoff in Rupp Arena?

Alabama Fans:  We’ve seen this movie before and it never gets old.

LSU Fans:  Not sure what our coach is saying or whether he can even coach football, but we’ll take 8-2.

Auburn Fans:  Fire Gus Malzahn!  [He has a $32 million buyout, pure negligence on the part of Auburn’s administration.]

Miss. St. Fans:  Selling my tickets for Saturday’s 11 am game against Arkansas for $75 each.  [Crickets.]  Okay, $50.  [Chirp chirp.]  $25?  Just take them.

Texas Agricultural & Mechanical Fans:  If we win 8 games, Jimbo Fisher’s $7.5 million annual salary equates to just under $1 million per win.  Bargain by Texas standards!

There you have SEC fans’ true thoughts as of mid-November.  If you’re not thinking along these lines about your SEC team, let me know and I’ll consider a correction in exchange for a Bone’s steak dinner.

Also, if I didn’t mention your SEC school, my SEC Banter spies evacuated the town because the team is terrible.

Speaking of terrible, having a puppy qualifies.  She just soiled the rug and I owe the vet $575 for a three-minute check-up.  What was I thinking?!?

Finally, if you’re wondering about the puppy’s name, we named her after my political idol:  Hillary.*

* If you think I really named my dog Hillary, please unsubscribe from SEC Banter.  What were you thinking?!?

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