The South’s longest-running country club golf tournament tees off this weekend in Atlanta, Georgia and, though we’re smack dab in the middle of college football season, SEC Banter is compelled to share the following checklist for playing in a club tournament.

Faithful adherence to this checklist ensures not only an enjoyable tournament experience, but an impeccable reputation with deep respect among peers and competitors alike.

Fore please, SEC Banter’s member-member checklist now driving:

  • If you’re also a member of another club, mention it to the group no later than the first fairway of the match.  For maximum effect, just refer to “my club in the mountains” or “where I play at the beach.”
  • As a matter of respect, be mindful of pace of play as it relates to your fellow competitors.  If they play briskly, you play slower than Christmas.  If they’re slow, immediately summon the marshal to issue a stern warning.
  • With crisp morning temperatures expected this weekend, a Guinness Book of World Records official will observe whether the record for most Peter Millar quarter-zip pullovers can be broken.
  • Speaking of weather, rain is forecast throughout the tournament, so pack tons of rain gear, including a golf umbrella with the circumference of a small planet.  Note:  packing an absurd amount of rain gear is scientifically proven to reduce the chances of actual rain.
  • If a competitor is a potential business contact, talk shop the entire match.  Hotbox the dude with relentless work questions.  He’s there to enjoy himself and have a respite from business discussions, but you’re there to bring home the bacon, baby.
  • Because you’re a business big shot, check email after every shot.  Take a few conference calls from the cart, preferably on speakerphone.  Your partner may want you in the moment and focused but you didn’t achieve your lofty life station without multitasking.
  • If paired with old-timers who don’t appreciate on-course music, do the courteous thing and blast N.W.A., the Beastie Boys and Public Enemy.
  • Your family must be informed you’ll be totally checked out for two days, if not three.  Do not attempt any sort of family-golf balance.  You are worthless.  Act like it.
  • Caution is the watchword for Friday night.  A big night on the town is often disastrous for Saturday’s performance.  On the other hand, it might be just what the doctor ordered after your customary 0-3 showing in Friday’s matches.
  • Arrive at least 90 minutes before your first match so you can bang about 125 drives.  You haven’t hit a fairway since Obama left office but you’ll dial it in minutes before the tournament starts.
  • Don’t worry about chipping and putting after your driving session.  Those are overrated, over-emphasized aspects of the game.  Just stroll up and down the range, driver waggling in hand, letting everyone know who’s boss.
  • When asked how you fared in a match, resist the urge to respond with a simple “we won” or lost.  Recap every shot, every hole; people are dying to hear such exciting details from you.
  • There’s a certain stigma to wearing matching outfits with your partner.  Ignore it.  Sport brightly-colored matching ensembles from a high-end brand such as Slazenger.  Send a strong signal that you and your partner are serious and have serious fashion sense, as well.

Follow SEC Banter’s checklist for a successful, reputation-enhancing club tournament outing.  Good luck — you’re gonna need it.

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